Waking up today it occurred to me that this time last year I was waking up in Indy having driving as far as I could, for as long as I could until the weather and my emotions made me stop. I was aiming to get somewhere closer perhaps even half way to my final stop but, nope. I was exhausted, coming down off of the prolonged emotionally filled adrenaline high that had been my day. You see, what happened was my entire life imploded earlier that morning. Yup. It went BOOM. And sadly, not in the way as a runner we like things too - you know knocking seconds perhaps, if we’re crazy lucky minutes, off that personal best. Nope, nothing as fun as that. It was that morning a year and a day ago when I knew that my life, my marriage, my world could not remain the same, could not continue on and I would be ok and thriving. I knew that things had to change in order for life to get better.
Let’s go back. I met my ex many many moons ago. We shared about 15 birthdays together, 9 of those we were dating and/or engaged and the balance we were husband and wife. Our life, while certainly not perfect, was ok. We both had good jobs that paid the bills, a house that we could call our own and in general our health. When the pandemic hit I had been working from home for some time, my company had closed the local office and so we were granted that perk. When the world shut down, he came home to work from here as well. Like most, we thought it would be temporary - both of us in the same 1300sq ft 24/7, sharing space differently, seeing each other in”work mode”. Never in our wildest dreams did we think it would be months and then years… never. At first it was novel, but after a while it got trying at best.
We had problems way before that, the same argument over and over again, never finding compromise or resolution, just the same words, hurt feelings and unresolved emotions. Being at home, together, magnified and emphasized everything. While we could negotiate a ceasefire to most battles the war was never really done. Our main problems came down to communication, we both speak differently, spoke different words but meant the same thing and neither of us could ever let our guards down enough to hear the other person. I realized that years ago and suggested that we seek counseling to help us take a beat and use our words better however, we never got there. Instead we muddled through gaining ourselves more invisible bruises, ones that cut deep and were never fully healed before the next was inflicted. Resentment built within us, well I guess I cannot really speak for him but, it certainly built within me. Too many things were done, not done, said, not said that made keeping a smile on my face and being “ok” with it was daily struggle.
Flash forward to a year and a day ago, I had a packed morning with a chiro appointment, followed by calls and then packing the car for the Thanksgiving adventure complete with a half marathon in my hometown with friends from the Lou and Indy respectively. I went for my final tune up run before my race that upcoming Saturday. When I got back, the normal routine was jump in the shower, pull clothes on and head back out to get to the chiro for the final stretch and adjustment. This morning was different. When I got home, he was out re-blowing the leaves that he had perceived as being a nuisance on the deck, off of the deck. Yes, the deck needs to be replaced, and is on the list of updates that need to happen but due to its size it is a costly undertaking as we would have to have a contractor bid and do the work. He had gone out the day before and cleared the leaves so I shook my head and told him that he was crazy for doing it again but he wanted it as leaf free as possible since we were headed to PA for two weeks and the leaves from the trees were ruining the deck. As I was stepping into the shower, I get a frantic text message, paraphrasing “ you need to come outside rn”, I quickly threw clothes back out and head out there to see what was going on. I found him with a leg through the deck, my instincts kicked in and I ran in got some olive oil and a paper towel to grease him up and out of the predicament he was in. Once he was up and out, the fight of all fights started.
It was bad, and the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I was done, just simply done.
He fell through the deck, luckily he only had a scrape down his shin and some residual bruising , it totally could have been worse. The deck itself needs to be replaced, as I was showering I was thinking, problem solving, trying to find a middle ground that allowed both of us to claim victory. Thinking about this now, it has occurred to me just how sad it was that our relationship devolved to the point where we got to - just trying to win. When I got out of the shower, I went to find him and to tell him my idea - perhaps we’d pull money from our retirement accounts and re-do the deck as well as add gutter guards so he didn’t feel so much anxiety in the fall about the leaves. You know, the big things that if something were to happen that was worse than putting a foot through a board that would cause a bigger outlay of money. To me, this seemed like a really great resolution, to him it wasn’t, his solution was to dismiss my idea and state plainly that the gingko tree was going to come down. For what it’s worth, the tree he was going on about is healthy, yes there’s a ton of leaves that fall every fall but it’s not the only tree that our gutters suffer. There are two huge sugar maples and a few oak trees in neighboring yards that are annually problematic but that’s neither here nor there. I was not on board with taking down the gingko, again it is healthy and honestly it is the only tree in our back yard and it does provide some shade so taking it down seems like a waste of both money and nature. Clearly, that wasn’t what he wanted me to say, he wanted me to agree with him and call our lawn guy right away. I needed to leave to head to the chiro appointment and I honestly was over arguing. In arguments past, he would typically cool down after about 30 minutes or so I figured while I was at my appointment he’d think about everything and be more reasonable when I got back.
That was not the case.
When I got back, he was still very angry, still yelling and screaming about how the tree needed to come down, how I was not considering his feelings, about how it gave him anxiety and how it was causing him so much angst. I tried talking to him, to calm him down to a point to get the day back on track because remember - we were headed out for a 14 hour drive to PA and we had to leave that night, we needed to be in PA by a certain day and time because of the race but, he wasn’t having it. Our argument devolved further when he walked into my office and noticed that I was looking at hotel rooms as a plan B for myself and my pup, in the case that we just went - normally two humans can do the drive in a day but if I had to go it alone, we were going to stop and take a rest before heading on. When it clicked in that I was looking to book a room he issued an ultimatum - “if you book that, we are done”. I turned around in my chair and said - “yup, yup we are done - I cannot do this anymore, I cannot live in this constant state of turmoil and stress, I am leaving tonight - doggo is going with me and when we get back I do not want you here. I want a divorce.”