I am most definitely a morning runner, even though I am clearly not a morning person. I've been so very absent lately, absent from my life, absent from my friends and absent from my running community. Yes, I have physically been there, but not really there... you know what I mean? I kinda want to unpack that a bit and see if I can work on identifying why I feel this way hopefully I'll also be able to find some way back to me, even if its baby steps.
First up work has been shit lately, absolute shit. I am dealing with not being heard, not having a seat at the table that I was welcomed to before. Its a common occurrence right now and until things change I am very afraid that its costing me more than just my happiness. I've said it before, I adore what I do, adore most of the folks that I work with and that I interact with, one would think that this would be enough but turns out that its not. There's been an uptick of articles on FB talking about how most employees that are unhappy are unhappy because of management and feeling under appreciated.. I'm here to say that is 100% true. Ive taken steps to change this but am at the mercy of others to make the jump. So on this one, there is very little that I can do at the moment.
Next my marriage... I love my hubs. He is one of the few people that can get me to smile when I am at my lowest and am super stressed out with work. He doesn't quite understand that sometimes when I am super stressed out I am also very very prickly and am not able to process a lot of distractions so I tend to pull back into myself and ruminate on my thoughts. To him this reads as being standoff-ish but for me its self preservation. I am an only child, I am used to being by myself and working through things, opening up and giving a voice to my issues really isn't something I like to do, especially if I have not processed them through. This is something I need to work on, but I don't really know how to go about it. Each time I do finally say something it comes out all wrong. So yea, thats a problem.
Now we move to my adopted fam... my running peeps and my running in general. This is my passion. I love being out there and pushing myself to see what I can do. You see, growing up I was never the athlete. I mean remember the President's Fitness Challenge... I failed at it every single year. It was bad, like super bad. When I found running as a 30-somthing and I crossed my first finish line and the medal was placed around my neck, I was hooked. I didn't have to be the best runner on the course, nor would I ever be, I just had to finish. I really took to the Garmin mantra of "Beat Yesterday" this was something I could do. So I did it. Now fast forward about 4 years, I got injured on course at Chicago, first running injury that I couldn't run through. It happens to the best of us, but it also started the odyssey that has been the past five or so month. From PT for a month, which I got a gold star from my Ortho, to being put on medication for elevated Blood Pressure which caused side effects that made me feel like I was reliving the final two high mileage months of marathon training, my ability to run had been severely compromised and it has knocked me for a loop.
I tried to coach in the Spring, I was a coach but I didn't feel like myself as a coach. Truly I felt like I failed as a coach and told a number of folks that. I am very lucky in that I train with a number of amazing humans. I had a conversation one night at the track where I basically sobbed out my feels and it felt great to let it all out. The person I was talking to is an amazing runner in her own right, super fast and super humble and one of the best coaches and mentors our training team could ever have. She reminded me to find the joy, remember why I started doing this thing, we talked about the health issues that I had been having and that it happens, even to coaches, shit happens. It was like she gave me permission to be kind to myself. I certainly wasn't being kind to myself, by no stretch of the imagination. Before that conversation I had been considering deferring the race run-cation I had been planning for months with my marathon buddy, after that conversation I knew that I wouldn't. that I would go to Cincinnati and just run, not for time, not for place or PR but for myself. I was running to cross the finish line. Thats what I did.
I finished all of the races I signed up for, woefully undertrained but I got my medals, and that's that. I am now rebuilding my base, trail running because I needed something different for a few months before Fall Half season starts again. Its going as well as can be expected but that's what base building is all about. Also, Im pretty sure the lead sherpa for the Rock Runners is a sadist and loves hills, we keep running up all of them - all.of.them. I got a chance earlier this week to sit down with my other mentor-extroidnaire to talk about how to get me back in shape, back to where I was before the nonsense started. I feel like I will have a good base built by the time we kick off Fall, so I'm pretty pumped about that and I am hoping that by putting the work in now I will be able to be more comfortable in just coaching and getting the chance to know my team. This is what was missing from Spring, the interaction with the team. I felt horrible because I barely knew anyone's name and when I have my coaching hat on, I should know my peeps. I should have the relationship with them because I'm responsible for them.
I feel like the past bit has been a growing and learning cycle for me. I have learned a lot without really wanting to learn a lot but it was needed so now we look forward. Perhaps, at some point, we will look back again but for now forward is the way that I am choosing to go... one foot in front of the other.
see you on the trails or perhaps the road... you never know.
ts